Ken Doka speaks of "disenfranchised grief" that is
when loss cannot be openly acknowledged socially
sanctioned or publicly I shared. one of the reasons
maybe that the "griever is not recognized."
Quite: often that is exactly what happens to men in
their families. The stereotypical man is to "be
strong and frequently required to not show emotion at
the time of death of their loved ones.
Problems this can create may include a bad mood, lack
of social support, exclusion from care. The grief may
then be intensified, and without support the male
griever is ALONE.
PHASE ONE.
Retreatinq: temporary manage pain and anxiety
shock, numbness, disbelief, confusion,
disorientation denial. Goal: Grappling with and
testing reality.
Men appear to go through Phase One and Three.
Differences for men and women seem to arise in
Phase Two:
PHASE TWO.
Working through: by confronting and enduring.
Having a range of responses by thinking, talking,
crying, writing about disorganization in their
lives. Goal: Detachment from loved one NOT from
emotions; must experience the pain.
Many men have been raised to NOT talk, cry, or
reach out (for Support). Therefore, their grief
tends to stay inside and can create physical
ailments, as studies have shown. Heart attacks,
ulcers, cancer are a few of the physical ailments
that can be created when the grief stays within.
Men who do express, release or completely work
through their grief are the EXCEPTION rather than
the rule.
The third phase is something most men are
exceptional at doing. They can be masters at
reorganizing and restructuring because it involves
a lot of THINKING. For most men, objective THINKING
is their gift.
PHASE THREE.
Resolving: reorganizing and restructuring life.
Goals: Adjust to Environment-take on new identity
Reinvest Time and Energy-develop new goals.
Carol's research shows that men have established
four typical male coping styles that are LEGITIMATE
and ACCEPTABLE alternatives to WORKING THROUGH
grief (Phase 2). These patterns have enabled them
to take advantage of their natural gifts and
talents.
-
Remain Silent--They will keep the pain to
themselves They appear to not need to communicate
about their qrief. The non - communication helps
them protect themselves against being
vulnerable-which to them is "expressing" qrief
through tears, feelings, sharing.
-
Engaging in "Secret Grief"--This is a method of
"solitary mourning" activities, i.e. taking the
new puppy for a walk--puppy represents NEW LIFE
and crying and feeling as they walk, hug and play
with the NEW LIFE. They do this solitary mourning
to "spare others from seeing, feeling,
experiencing their grief. For most men to do
otherwise seems against "cultural expectations".
-
Taking Physical & Legal Action - Many men
immediately attempt to bring control to an "out
of control' situation by taking physical and
legal action for extended periods of time. Others
support and reward them for being "assertive and
courageous" in their time of grief.
-
Becoming Immersed in Activity - Most men become
obsessive about activity. They diligently find
things to, occupy their time...all of it. They
fill "every waking minute" with work, errands,
house activities. This immersion consumes time,
energy and thought so there is no time for grief,
no time for thinking of the loss ahd no time for
feeling the grief pain.
Recently, I attended a conference on death
education and counseling in Portland. Ken Doka and
Terry Martin presented a session on men and grief.
They found in their studies that men needed closed
groups with separate subjects planned for each
session. The material needed to be presented in a
problem-solving mode. A method most men feel
accustomed to. Supporters of men need to allow for
the expression of emotion in ways that are
compatible to the male roles {such as the patterns
that Staudacher described}. Ask questions "how did
you react" rather than "how do you feel". Most men
need to return to work as soon as possible.
Research showed that most men felt better if they
were working (again this corresponds with
Staudacher's work).
The important issue is that each gender uses their
own STRENGTHS to deal with grief and IN TIME they,
both genders, out of their grief. One way of
grieving is NOT better than another. Rather there
are differences in how they grieve. These
differences need to be CELEBRATED, not corrected.
Carl Jung says we balance our lives as we age...men
become more in touch with their feminine qualities
and women become more aggressive and in touch with
their male qualities. Each gender's way of coping
has negative AND positive aspects.
In conclusion, the tasks of grief [testing the
reality, experiencing the pain, adjusting to the
environment and reinvesting time and energy back
into life], are experienced individually. Respect
must be experienced so we do not "disenfranchise"
anyone's grief or grieving process due to our
stereotypical expectations. Men and women must come
to a point where they can learn from each other's
methods of grieving, rather than judge these
methods. We need to understand their are
personality style differences, as well as
male/female differences. All differences can be
CELEBRATED, it is your choice.
©Alpha-Omega Venture, Jeanne M. Harper, 1113
Elizabeth Ave., PO Box 735 Marinette, WI 54143-0735
<center>SHE CRIES --- HE SIGHS
by Buz Overbeck</center>
A. MALE/FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
1. Most relationships are intrinsically difficult.
HE: ``Big Picture'' --- SHE: ``Details''
HE: ``Thinks'' --- SHE: ``Feels''
HE: ``Logical'' --- SHE: ``Intuitive''
HE: ``Copes Internally'' --- SHE: ``Copes Externally''
HE: ``Sighs'' --- SHE: ``Cries''
2. Men, Women & Grief
a. Myths of Parent's Grief
1. Men Grieve Differently Than Women
2. Men Need To Express Their Feelings
3. Both Parents Are Grieving Over The Same Event
b. Five Facts of Parent's Grief
1. The intensity of His grief is dependent on his
pre-death relationship with the fetus, baby or child.
2. The intensity of Her grief is dependent on the place
the pregnancy or child held in her hopes, dreams, future,
self-esteem and self-worth.
3. Most fathers resolve (or make peace) with their grief in
3 to 6 months.
4. Most mothers need 9 to 24 months (or more!) to resolve their
grief.
5. Most men truly feel their spouse need professional help after
3 to 6 months.
B. POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
1. SHE needs to talk about the event. She goes over it time and
again trying to gather every possible detail to explain Why and How.
HE feels uncomfortable dealing on such a feeling level and finds
excuses to avoid such confrontations.
2. SHE takes comfort in her faith. ``God's Will'' may be the
only explanation that gives any meaning to the event.
HE is angry with God, feeling that the event invalidates his religion.
3. SHE often wants to visit the grave.
HE feels an aversion to visiting the cemetery.
4. SHE withdraws, reads books on grief, and writes as a means of
expressing her pain.
HE throws himself into his work, hobby, or other activities
to keep busy and avoid the pain.
5. SHE expects him to grieve and behave the same as she
does and thinks he doesn't care when he doesn't.
HE needs space to grieve in his own way and resents her for
imposing her feelings on him.
6. SHE seeks Support Groups as an outlet for her expression.
HE wants to avoid showing his pain in front of other people;
particularly strangers!
7. SHE has no interest in Sex and resents his desire for it at
this time.
HE wants to make love for the comfort and reassurance that
comes through intimacy.
8. SHE knows that her life is irrevocably changed and will
never be the same again.
HE wants her and their life back the way it was before the
event.
9. THEY can sometimes compete with each other to see who is
grieving the hardest.
10. THEY seek to escape the event by taking a vacation, moving,
changing jobs, etc.
11. THEY seek to numb their pain through Alcohol, Drugs,
Shopping, Extramarital affairs, or Another Child.
12. THEY are angry with the Doctor or other authority figures
involved with the event and have, more than once, discussed
legal action.
13. THEY feel betrayed by their family and friends through their
perceived lack of understanding and caring.
14. THEY both feel the other person is, in some way, to blame for
the event.
15. THEY are both so caught up in their own grief that there is
no recognition or understanding of the grief experienced by their
children or extended family members.
C. WHAT CAN BE DONE
1. Meet with the potentially, or newly, bereaved parents as soon
as possible.
2. Explain to them the statistical potential for a negative
marital outcome during the bereavement period.
3. Counsel them about the grieving needs and expectations of each
other and the importance of recognizing and allowing each other the
natural expression of their grief.
4. Explain the Potential Relationship Problems so that they can
recognize patterns that may develop.
5. Encourage and help HER find a local Support Group where she can
find others who will share her experiences with her.
6. Encourage HIM to go to a couple of meetings with her only as an
observer. Tell them both that there will be no pressure put on him
whatsoever to actively participate. Most men will inevitably
participate if you can just get them there!
7. Discourage the making of any decisions that will impact any
important area of their life for one year!.
8. If there are other children, encourage them to express and
discuss their grief openly and honestly, give concern to how the
child is coping with the experience, and recognize that the child is
grieving too.
9. Help move them towards an awareness and acceptance of each
others grief using the following 3 step guide:
1. Compartmentalize The Event
* List and discuss those elements of grief unique to Her.
* List and discuss those elements of grief unique to Him.
* List and discuss those elements of grief common to Both.
2. Encourage Individual Grief
* Help her give him permission to express his grief in his own way.
* Help him give her permission to express her grief in her own way.
3. Encourage Mutual Grief
* Encourage them to establish periods during each week
where they can express and share their common feelings.
* Encourage them to establish periods during the week for
intimacy and closeness were the loss is not discussed.
* Encourage them to establish periods during the week or
month for family activities which include the children, if any.
*--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
| Buz Overbeck | Publications For | UUCP: buz@damaru.UUCP |
| TLC Group | Transition | Internet: buz%damaru@cirr.com |
| PO Box 28551 | Loss and | Failsafe: buz@damaru.lonestar.org |
| Dallas, TX 75228 | Change | Voice: (214) 681-5303 |
*--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
Rivendell Resources grants anyone the right to
reprint this information without request for
compensation so long as the copy is not used for
profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in
its entirety with any copied portion. For further
information contact us.